Sapphire Night

I forget about this blog, I hardly ever visit blog, and I no longer class myself as a blogger. Although, I do some writing somewhere else. I'm not sure what the point in saying that was so I will ask about you lot!

So people, how are you? Tell me your news and such as like!

This morning I had an odd dream about my ex boyfriend. I had met him somewhere and we'd kissed but I noticed as I was kissing him that he was in fact black. Not sure how this happened as I am pretty sure he was a white man before. Anyway, he had been staying with me and we'd been smoking out the garden, something we did all the time and I remember coughing a lot. Possibly due to the fact that I no longer smoke and haven't for almost 3 years. I seemed to be happy that I was seeing him even though he has a girlfriend and a child.  Somewhere in the dream I got a call to say that the gilrfriend had died, I've no idea how but then I ended up in a place I didn't know, walking round the streets after having visiting him. When I was in his house, I saw a wedding picture on the wall of two people who weren't him and his girlfriend and on it had writing, something like 'Your evil bitch of a mother is dead now so you don't need to worry.' I asked him why he didn't have his child and he didn't seem to want her which I remember thinking was odd as the reason he wouldn't leave her is because of said child. I also remember comforting him, and at one stage he was a baby, which I found very weird.

I think it was possibly one of the oddest dreams I have ever had and I hope I don't have anymore like it. I was woken up in the middle of it by Dell telling me my new laptop was being delivered on Tuesday so I never got to find out how she'd died or any other details.

Today was okay, I made stew, watched TV and fireworks. I was in a good mood and then it was ruined by a simple request. This is how it basically went....

Me: Have you got the vodafone on?

Him: I don't know.

I ring the phone and it's off so I say..

Can you put it on so I can call later?

Him: I don't know if I can.

Me: Why not?

Him: Screaming something about his alarm.

I instantly get annoyed because I had asked in a nice way.

Him: You are being controlling, listen to you.

Me: I'm not being anything and asking you to put a phone on is not controlling.

He went on to say about my voice. Of course I was pissed off, I had been accused of being controlling. I was not the one who started screaming down the phone and I am not the one who went mental for no reason at all. I know when I am being controlling, I don't need to be told and that was not one of those occasions. I am having therapy and trying to deal with my issues and I don't need him adding to them by saying I'm being something which I'm not. I also don't need to be screamed at just because I ask him to do something. Then my mother jumped on the bandwagon saying I was controlling and all this crap, she hadn't even been listening to the conversation so how would she know what I was being. She then goes on to say how horrible I am to him but no one ever hears the way he is, he's made out to be so nice and he's there licking everyone's arse and really he's a right bastard like all men. He's always screaming when something doesn't go his way and quite frankly it's annoying. If he cannot say something without shouting then I'd really rather he didn't bother. Funny thing is he claims I have anger issues, I'd say his anger is worse than mine as I shout in arguments not just because the mood takes me. Of course, he's just like my first boyfriend who blames everything on me and cannot see his own faults.

Anyway, he put his phones off and I had a cry because he'd ruined my day but you know what that's okay because I am over it now. I think I'm looking forward to him going away so I can have some space and maybe then I'll feel better about things. I should explain why I wanted him to have the vodafone on, I was going to call so I could sleep with him there but I won't be thinking about that again, those days are over.

I'm listening to music with what sounds like croaking in the beginning, not sure about that noise!

I think I may have had a dream last night/this morning but I can't remember. I have a feeling something is in my head but I can't seem to recall it and it's making my head feel all fuzzy and odd. I think the disturbed sleep is starting to drive me a bit mad, the amount of times I am woken it just ridiculous. I'd think twice before having anything else that was a baby, whether animal or human. Izzy woke me at almost 7, which is possibly better than 5am like the weekend but still a pain. Then her being called for food woke me up at half 7 and by 8:20 they were searching for her so she didn't run out the door when it was opened. I thought 'Oh lovely, they are gone, I can sleep', that lasted until 9 when she started meowing outside the door and scratching it. She did go to sleep with me on the bed then but my god she's a pain in the arse! She's run around like she's on acid and is now asleep, that'll last until my sister comes home. Nobody told me having a kitten was like having a child, I'll be lucky not to be committed to the psychiatric hospital at this rate. I spoke too soon, she's awake! Despite my moaning I wouldn't be without her even if her plan is to drive me mental. Some might say I'm already mental so she's only helping me along!

I have been thinking about the men I have kissed today and deciding which one I liked best....

My first boyfriend kissed like a washing machine and Hoover. First, there was the weird tongue spinning and then the sucking of my face. I can honestly say I have not experienced such a thing since. Thank god!

Then there was my weekend bloke, it lasted a weekend and a few months via the phone. I am not sure about his kissing but he seemed to have weird ideas about it too. He was a prat who slept with anyone he could!

The one I loved was good at kissing although I no longer remember them. They must have been good because we spent most of the day kissing for 10 months. Well perhaps not 24 hours a day, we used to do other things too.

Then there was SP, I do not know what he was. A test to see whether I could move on I think. I think I concluded the moving on bit was not going to happen pretty quickly. As far as kissing goes, I quite liked kissing him I guess.

I think it is important to have a good kisser, someone whose kisses you enjoy but that might just be me. Maybe I will never kiss someone again the rate I am going but never mind; I have my memories!

I think the best was the one I loved. Maybe love makes kissing better!

You know when you feel like everything is crap and you just want to throw yourself off a bridge or cliff if you live near the sea? Hmm, no? Oh well me neither!

I don't know what sort of mood I am in today, I'm not sure how I ever coped without therapy because after not having any for two weeks, I am slowly yet surely going crazy. I think we have merely skimmed over my issues and yet we seem to be no nearer discussing anything of any value. Thing is, I like her, I want to sit and drink coffee with her and talk about random shit. I think that really I am good at making friends, I just choose not to and perhaps I am little picky as to who I accept into my life.

I have been thinking about my ex again(yes, I know, shoot me) . I was going to discuss this in therapy but the moment came and I changed my mind. The whole thing of not being completely over him is starting to annoy me, I mean it's been practically four years and almost two years since I've spoken to him and yet I find myself back there and wanting him again. It's unrealistic because he has someone else, has a child or perhaps children and so much water has passed under the bridge that going back would be like a backwards step and I try not to take those because I am of the belief that if it didn't work first time round it's not going to work ever. There again, perhaps I am cynical. I also think if it was meant to be then be it would and it would have happened by now. It'll be too bloody late when I am 50 and if I'm not over it by then I am getting myself committed. Anyway, I couldn't realistically be with a smoker, I'd be sick every time he can near me, then again he could have given up! I have wondered about there being only one shot at love and if you fuck it up then that's it and you are destined to be a lonely old spinster. It's not so bad I guess, I already have one cat, I just need a few more to add to the collection. Then again she drives me mad so perhaps I'll stick to the one.

I'm not actually sure what I have just written and I don't have the patience or inclination to go over it and see. I conclude it's probably shit which adds to the general theme of today.

Yes, I have LOST Ladee B. We were happily discussing......Well probably best I don't tell you but to cut a long story short she went missing. I hope she wasn't eaten by an MSN monster but she might have been.

I urge you to find her and bring her back to me right NOW or I will be very cross.

Ladee B, it's been 10 minutes and still you are missing so I am off to bed to dream of your save return. We must chat again soon (if you are found)!

Night

Hello.....

I thought I'd say hi and see how things were at blog land. I can't write anymore, I can't even fake being exciting! Bloody hell, I can't even remember how to laugh!

So what's new? The kitten and I are fine and she is less of a kitten but more of a pain. She will be 7 months on Friday, I'm sure she was only 6 months the other day so time is flying. When she's not climbing the lounge door she's tidying up the tables by throwing everything on the floor. Roll on adulthood!

My laptop screen died so I'm having to fork out money to have it repaired although it did come on today so it can't be that dead. Saying that it was short lived and the next time I put it on it was back to being dead. Bloody computers!

I'm wondering whether I should return to blogging to save my soul, unless of course it's too late.

in my general direction or say hello if you still remember I existed!

If you spend all day in bed with a headache, you are not tired in the night and not being tired and having nothing to do is boredom inducing!